Yesss

Buttloads of Menopur has paid off!  I have follicles at 19, 16, 16, 14, 14, 13, 13, and 13.  That’s 5 follicles and 3 more maybes, according to the Dr.  According to me that’s one good follicle, possibly 3, and I’d eat my hat if there were any more than that based on the results I’ve gotten with other follicle measurements in the past.  My estradiol was at 790, and they say it’s about 200 per egg, so that indicates probably 4 eggs.  I trigger tonight, and am only on CD10.  I’m very happy with this, I finally feel hopeful that this cycle could work out.  That is all. 🙂

This bodes well for two sunshines. Not unlike on Tatooine.

Missing my Babies and Loving my Family

I’ve been noticing for awhile now that for the most part I don’t think about the babies I’ve lost and how much I miss them, etc. anymore.  I know it’s because it’s so hard and it will make me sad and I’d rather not wander around feeling sad all day.  But the past few days I have been, and I wouldn’t say it’s made me sad, but it does make my heart feel tender, if that’s understandable.  It mostly started when we were watching the last episode of House and in it a 4-year-old boy had died, and it showed the father seeing where they’d recorded his height on the door frame in their house.  I got way teary at the thought of how much he would miss of his son’s life now because he was gone.  And you’d think that it would make me think about my own son, who’s 3, but it didn’t.  It made me think about all of my babies and how much I missed with them.

And now onto happier things.  I have one aunt who always asks me how things are going in the baby department when she sees me, and that’s a rare thing for people to do so I always really appreciate it.  Anyway, she has mentioned to me before that they’d help us out with the cost of IVF, and she also said she’d ask other family members to help too.  Yesterday at Thanksgiving she asked me about IVF (haven’t been able to do it because we need $950 to start it, going to do it when we get tax return, will charge the other $4000, etc.), and said again how they will definitely pay for some.  I know my parents would help too, and there are some other family members I’m sure who would when the time came.  So I don’t know how much or when this will go down, maybe not until our currently planned on time to do it, but OMG.  I cried a little, and was trying not to cry more.  Knowing we wouldn’t be forking out the full $5000 we don’t have is a huge relief, and makes me feel so much better about the upcoming months.  How do you even thank people for doing something like that?  They don’t make a good enough thank you card.

Still Going

Funny how I keep finding hope, but I have to.  I don’t want to lose it for good.  So at nearly the last minute, my husband got recalled to his job.  Relief!  For many reasons, but a big one being we get to keep our insurance.  Just when I had accepted what we were going to have to do without insurance, too.  So my RE just has me back on injections indefinitely–same med and dosage as last month, the first out of all 9 injectable cycles where he hasn’t changed a thing.  And otherwise we wait and save money for IVF.  My husband thinks we should only do a few more months of injections because we could be saving the money we’re spending on copays and gas to go to appointments at least twice a month all towards IVF.  I’d tend to agree with that, but we’ll see where we are in another month or two.  I’d like to get the word around that we want to do IVF in case anyone feels generous, but it’s kind of hard to just say, “Hey, everyone, we’re doing IVF!”  I’ll have to think about how best to go about this.  Probably discreetly.

I did put in a prayer request at church, which was difficult to do.  I’ve always felt like having other people know what’s going on to pray for us to get a baby (I also added in the coming by money for IVF part this time) is somehow not an acceptable request because of how personal in nature it is.  But that’s silly.  So our pastor knows and some prayer team people know.  No going back now!

P.S. I’m also feeling hopeful because I came to a place where I realized that I just need to move on with life and stop centering my life around this.  It sucks that way.  I feel like now I can try to contribute to society, maybe.  So I’m going to be a leader for youth group (my husband did it last year too).  I’m hoping that by getting my mind on other [important] stuff as much as possible, that I’ll feel more relaxed.  And maybe that will do the trick, too.