One of Those People?

The stories you hear that stick with you and make you think, “Well, good for them,” are the ones where someone magically conceives naturally right before IUI or IVF, or after years and tons of treatments that were successful or not, magically conceives naturally.  Those stories that perpetuate the very incorrect and frustrating cliché of “if you’d just relax, then it will happen.”  And you can just think, “Yes, good for them, but that will never happen to me.”

I guess it just hadn’t happened to me yet.

I think last I checked in I was trying out Femara.  So in December it didn’t do a darn thing for me like it had the cycle before, following the last miscarriage.  I also posted about how I’d been feeling God telling me to WAIT.  I realized that I was trying as hard as I could and nothing good was happening and so yes, God, I will listen and STOP and WAIT.

In January I began to come to peace with having my two miracles and no longer pursuing a third child, and I even decided to maybe call it off completely and start preventing forever beginning the next cycle.  I was ok with all of that, and so I did nothing just like I felt God had been telling me to do for months, and I waited.

Then my cycle wasn’t ending and I was like what the heck, man, and I waited and waited and started feeling some hormonal symptoms and on a whim decided to take a pregnancy test just to rule it out.

You may be able to guess by now that it was positive, and not a faint positive like I get early on, it was POSITIVE.  What.  the actual.  heck.  Complete shock and I had no idea when I had ovulated.  Based on the darkness of my test I guessed I was about 4-4.5 weeks.

Typically at this point I’d be calling for bloodwork and scheduling an early ultrasound and taking the progesterone that I’d paid hundreds of dollars for to try and help the last baby, but I still felt God telling me to do nothing and so I did nothing.

I was already past the “chemical pregnancy” danger of the last two pregnancies, so that was at least a better sign.  And then at 5 weeks my symptoms completely disappeared and I was CONVINCED I was having another blighted ovum because why would I not?  I went a week feeling nothing, then some cramping, and was completely physically and emotionally prepared for the miscarriage to start and I knew I’d be ok with that outcome.

But it didn’t start, so I took another test to at least see if my hcg was going down and the test was basically as dark as a test can actually be.  I was really anxious and confused now, so I finally called to schedule an appointment with the CNM.  It would still be another week before they’d get me in for an ultrasound, so I made them do an hcg quant in attempts to quell my anxiety.

And then BAM the symptoms came back in full force.  I couldn’t eat and couldn’t even keep water down and spent one night up half the time puking harder than I ever have before and within 2 days I was back at the CNM getting a prescription for Phenergan (anti-nausea/vomiting) and IV fluids because I was dehydrated.  I also learned my hcg a few days ago had been 45,000.  I was like… so this baby is actually growing normally?  I couldn’t comprehend it, and I felt guilty because I’d actually been ok with not having another baby… but then one seemed to have miraculously appeared anyway.

A week later I had an ultrasound and we saw a baby measuring 7 weeks 5 days with a heartbeat of 163 bpm.  I spent the next several weeks too sick to be very anxious about it.  I’m feeling more like a human now, though my much needed Zantac is not working as well as it was.

I am 13 weeks and 5 days today, and earlier this week I saw the midwife again and she immediately got a heartbeat of 158 bpm with the doppler.  A baby is definitely growing in there, and sometimes I can feel wiggles.  I’m very slowly starting to come out of denial that we’re somehow having another baby, and I did nothing but give up and listen to God.

So now am I one of those people?

I don’t feel like this just happened to me because I relaxed and stopped trying.  I still had to go through difficulty on the journey to ultimately be where I am right now.  I suppose that’s how those people feel too?

Miracle Baby #3 coming in late October.  “Big” ultrasound is scheduled for in about 6.5 weeks!


13 Weeks

By this week baby has fingerprints, and if it’s a girl her ovaries already have over 2 million eggs in them.  (And hopefully her eggs are better than mine.)  Baby is almost 3″ long (dang, lots of growing last week too), about the size of a medium shrimp.  Eww.

Last week of the first trimester!  OMG.  I can’t believe it, I’ve just been so in one day/step at a time/waiting mode this whole time it’s hard to fathom the first trimester being behind me.  I also have realized that I don’t think the worrying will go away, it just should get progressively less.  A lot of it I think is just that I’ve gone through so much disappointment and heartbreak it’s hard to not have a little part of me expect that to happen again in some form or another.  But mostly I’m doing good staying positive and starting to feel excited!

I think I felt crazy baby flapping this last week!  The first time I was laying on my stomach, trying to take a nap, and I started feeling some pressure in the front of where my uterus is, a little off to the right.  Then there were some really quick popping/pricking feelings there.  Then a few days later I was laying on my stomach again trying to go to sleep at night and felt like a goldfish was swimming around in there.

I did, however, see crazy baby flapping!  I had an appointment with my CNM on Friday and she couldn’t find the heartbeat with the doppler.  So she brought in this old rickety ultrasound machine.  It was too fuzzy to be able to get a heartrate (probably didn’t have that feature on it anyway because it was too old!), but we could see the baby wiggling and kicking and waving all over.  Good enough for me!  Then I went home and ordered a dozen newborn prefolds. 😀

NT scan in 4 days, then we’ll go public.  It’s scary and exciting to think about doing that.

12 Weeks

This week the baby is lime sized!  Just over 2″ long… no wonder I could feel them growth-spurting this last week.  Reflexes start this week, so baby will open and close hands, curl toes, clench eyes, and make sucking motions.  The intestines are beginning to move back into the abdomen out of the umbilical cord, and kidneys will begin excreting urine into the bladder.  (For them to pee out and become amniotic fluid, which they swallow.  Ha.)  The parts of their face are all there and in place, and their brain is developing rapidly.

This is another big milestone… I can’t believe it, really.  I still feel totally shocked that this is actually happening, and am still kind of afraid to believe it.  Mostly still just waiting, also because nothing baby-having-related I can start doing yet anyway.  But I’m trying to let myself believe this and think ahead, and I’m slowly starting to “get it.”  I have a regular ol’ appt. this coming Friday and am a little nervous she won’t be able to hear the heartbeat yet.  If not, then I’m demanding an ultrasound, not that there’d be any argument there.  The NT scan isn’t until the following week.

There have been a few occasions I may have felt some flutters while laying in bed.  Or maybe it was my pulse followed by my imagination.  I really am not sure what I’m feeling for because with B I was never sure I felt flutters.  I remember once at 14 weeks being pretty sure I did, but that was it, then he just started kicking me at 17 weeks on the dot.  (Makes sense if you know him… there is nothing fluttery about him!)  Oh man, but the getting choked up about ridiculous stuff that doesn’t deserve to get choked-up over is highly entertaining.  As are many of the vivid, crazy dreams I have all night every night.  Like last night one of them involved a field full of strawberry trees.  But in the dream apparently it was normal for strawberries to grow on trees.  When I was pregnant with B I had a dream that I had a staring contest with a moose, that one’s my favorite.

One last thing I’m going to admit, I am starting to get a sense for who this baby is.  I think.  Unlike with B (was right on all accounts with him), I am not putting a lot of stock into it.  I have for quite a long time felt/seen in my mind who our next kid would be, and that’s it.  A bright, energetic, particular girl with brown eyes.  Pretty sure I know her name too.  So we’ll see if I’m right this time.  (On the other hand, I finally had a brilliant idea for what I’d do for a boy’s room, and I’m excited about it.)

11 Weeks

This week baby is about 1 1/2 inches long, about the size of a fig.  Some of Figgy’s bones are beginning to harden, and that’s apparently the only new thing going on this week.

So earlier this week I told B (he’ll be 4 in June) about the baby.  I was nervous to do it, but he’s so excited!  At first he had a lot of fun questions to answer (“How did it get in there?  How does it come out?”).  Think I nailed those.  Then he spent the next 10 minutes telling me all the things he would teach them.  How to play Sonic and Angry Birds, how to play in the sand box and put the train tracks together.  Very cute.  I told him how much fun we’d have and how he could help me take care of the baby and he was like Yeah!  Then he proceeded to be concerned about the baby needing a bed and a way to ride in the car.  Now mostly he won’t stop telling me about all the stuff brother or sister will do, except he doesn’t really get the concept of “brother” or “sister.”  So I have to explain it to him like 5 times a day.  Le sigh.

I was starting to have some room for worry this week.  Symptoms are changing ever so slightly, which is totally normal!  But you know.  Like I’ve been sleeping at least one 3-4 hour stretch at night, whereas for weeks I’ve been up ever 1-2 hours.  But I’m just that tired, still having lots of vivid dreams, and still have to pee a lot.  Still don’t like food, but have less nausea and dry heaving going on (except for today apparently).  Other symptoms still good too, including stretching pains.  I had round ligament pain on and off for a few days, including one night when it was so bad I had trouble getting to sleep.  That all makes me feel better, and I’m concentrating on that and relaxing since I am not getting an ultrasound this coming week like I wanted– but will have an NT scan after all, May 10th.  Sooo long to wait.  God keeps taking away most of my worry though when it starts creeping in, so I know I’ll be okay waiting.

OMG only 2-3 weeks (depending on who you ask) until the second trimester!  I can’t believe I’ve made it this far!

10 Weeks

This week baby is the size of a kumquat (a little over an inch long).  All of the critical developments have happened, and now the tissues and organs just need to grow and mature.  Kumquat is swallowing fluid now and moving and kicking all around, and the limbs can now bend at all joints.  The kidneys, brain, intestines, and liver are all functioning, and the yolk sac is disappearing and baby’s body is producing its own red blood cells.  Fingers and toes are no longer webbed, tiny nails are starting to appear on them, and the little baby peach fuzzy stuff is starting to grow on the skin.

I know I keep saying maybe soon I can start relaxing, but it’s not entirely happening yet!  At least to any greater degree than it’s already been able to happen.  It’s okay, I’m just waiting through this time still.  One good thing lately is my back has been hurting a lot more during the day, not just when laying down at night.  So that should mean baby is growing away well in there.  And I still have all the consistent symptoms going on too, although some of them could start letting up any day I suppose.

Oh hey, and today is my last day on Prometrium!  I think I’ll take it another day or two just to be safe though.

9 Weeks

This week baby is almost an inch long, about the size of a grape.  Grapey has all essential body parts accounted for, although they still have a ways to develop.  Heart now has four chambers and teeth are beginning to form (already?  How crazy is that?!).  All facial features are more distinct, and external sex organs are there (not necessarily feeling like it’s a boy anymore… hmm).  Also now the placenta is able to produce the progesterone.  (So in one week I can stop my Prometrium and it will be no more All Prometrium, All the Time!)

Not much to say since I covered all the interesting stuff on Thursday.  I haven’t been puking every morning since those two, but I had a few pretty rough days where it took a lot of willpower to not be throwing up all day earlier in the week.  Counting down the days until I can enjoy eating again.

It’s hard to believe I’m at 9 weeks and things are going well.  9 weeks 1 day was when I had the ultrasound and found out Michael had no more heartbeat.  Symptoms had stopped several days before that.  So really, I’m past that point even though I think I need the week to start with 10 to officially think that.

Happy Easter, Baby!

8 Weeks

This week baby is the size of a kidney bean.  (See, how is that bigger than a blueberry?)  Anyway, (s)he has little webbed fingers and toes, a breathing tube that goes from throat to where lungs are developing, neural pathways are forming, no more “tail,” and baby is moving and shifting around.

Things still seem to be going well!  Was having more stretchy ligament stuff going on this week too, which makes me feel better.  You can tell I have more blood because you can see like all of my veins, so also very good!  I’m trying to remember when the hardly any food sounding good stopped.  I think maybe 9-10 weeks?  Becuase then I stopped feeling nauseous much, but then would just puke every morning before going to class until like 14-15 weeks.  But I really can’t remember.  Also I think I’m nearly down to the worrying just a normal amount now.  Almost.  But one thing going on is that I’m in shock that this is happening.  It’s so hard to believe that what I’ve been living with the last 3 years is over.  Takes some getting used to, and every now and then I’ll let myself feel a surge of joy I can’t possibly describe that this is real.  I’m sure I’ll never be able to totally be without that pain, at least not anytime soon, but not being in the situation and having happiness finally helps.

I have my first appointment with a midwife this coming Thursday.  It’s a new one I haven’t seen before, so if I like her I’ll keep her, otherwise I am going to schedule my next appointment with the one who delivered my son.  I never saw her for prenatal stuff, but I liked her and trust her judgement–she almost sent me for an emergency c-section three times, but didn’t, and things turned out okay.  I don’t think I have any control over which midwife delivers anyway, it’s just whoever is on call at the time.  I’m getting really eager to work on a birth plan more than what I’ve formed in my head over the last 3 years, but yet another thing I must wait to do!


ETA: Definitely puked this morning (1/2) like I mentioned above.  Wonder if it was an anomaly or it has already begun? 🙂

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