Five years ago today I was just beginning to see my RE. I found hope in that. I had been drug through over a year of disappointment and heartbreak. I had been learning how to walk in such darkness, how to hold God’s hand and let him support me as I walked.
I had two more years of walking through that dark valley. There were a lot of painful stumbles. Finally I made it out to the other side when M was born. She brings so much joy to our lives, and not a day goes by I don’t know that and remember.
She is almost 3 now, and I had several years of healing from that walk and never wanting to try it again. Then somehow our minds changed, even before losing Flicker a few months ago. I am three months into starting this walk again, not knowing how long I’ll be on it nor how many wounds I’ll suffer on the way.
There are days it is still hard. I see cavalier comments, triggering announcements and pictures, and I hate being back here. I hate that it has to be so hard for me. I feel isolated again.
But now I have learned how to walk this path. It is familiar to me. I hold God’s hand and walk more confidently. I know that I can walk through it and where the stumbles are. I know that while I’m surrounded by these troubles again, by the familiar pain of waiting for a baby I’m already supposed to be having, that my life is safe.