Sometimes I’m amazed at how well I can do with the whole conception and pregnancy issue. The other day I certainly took notice when I message my address to a friend because I said I’d want to attend her baby shower. Then I felt a little strange that I was able to do that. It wasn’t forced at the moment, I was actually able to seperate having babies from pain and grief and something that’s happy and easy for other people but not for me.
But then sometimes, like just now, I see people announce pregnancies, and it hurts. It’s not that kick in the stomach and flood of tears like it used to be, but it still causes a little hollow feeling. I think it’s worse now when it’s their 3rd, 4th, etc. kid because I know I can’t and won’t have that. It still hurts when I see or hear people having conversations that take conception and pregnancy lightly, like it’s some easily achievable and plannable or unplannable thing in their life. Because for them it is. I feel trapped by this sometimes; I still feel like I’m alone on the outside of everyone else.
At least it’s not every day. Just some of them. I know I’ve said it before, but I wonder how long this will go on. Forever? Until all of my friends are past baby-having time? I wish I could find a community of post-issue. I have some friends who are there, but we don’t discuss feelings about it for some reason. It makes me feel alone in this. Maybe they’re not having these problems still.
Sigh. I suppose it’s just a melancholy sort of afternoon! I could have more to say on this subject too, but I have a toddler “mama!” -ing at me. 🙂