Lost Twin

I’ve sometimes wondered about that other embryo they transfered, the one that never implanted.  I did come to believe the embryos that weren’t transfered were no more than a few cells with potential, so then what about once they’re transfered inside?  After my transfer I “felt” both of them in there for a few days.  Does that mean M was a twin for a few days or was she a nonuplet?  I’ve always sort of thought of her as a twin, even though the other never seemed to have implanted.  Although for all I know it did but didn’t make it, like a CP, so was never detected.  I don’t recognize that “twin” as a loss, although I do feel a sense of loss about the IVF process because of all of those embryos that aren’t babies right now.  It did feel like a sacrifice for M to be here.

Early on when I was pregnant with M, I had a dream of a baby boy.  The dream was a view of him still in utero, full term.  He had blue eyes and a lot of dark hair, had a quiet personality, and his name was Patrick.  (Which is what I originally wanted to name B and quite possibly would’ve named M if she’d been a boy.)  That dream was part of the reason I was conflicted on whether I felt M was a boy or girl before finding out.  I assumed that dream was about her, but obviously it wasn’t.  Since then I’ve sort of thought maybe that was a boy that I will have sometime in the future, but I also sort of lean towards there not being any more kids for us.  So who was he?  I’d never dreamed of him before, so I don’t really think he is a baby I’ve already lost.

Just recently I had the thought that maybe he was M’s “twin,” and it was a comforting idea.  I guess I probably won’t know the answer until I know for sure if that boy is out there for me somewhere.


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