Clouds

Since I’ve been sticking with the sunshine metaphor, clouds seem appropriate right now!  I’ve mentioned PPD a time or two, so here’s my official post about it.

Yeah, I’ve come to realize and admit that I have it in the last few weeks.  At first I thought it was just an issue completely linked to the situational depression I had from the whole time trying to have M.  But then I realized there is more to it than that, like this sadness about how it was just me and B for so long and now it will never be us again, and how I feel guilty about loving someone else how I love him.  And then there is also nothing to it, as in often there’s just this underlying blah feeling that prevents me from feeling all that happy and from enjoying any given thing as much as I otherwise ought.  And the social worker also hit it on the head when she said many women who’ve had fertility issues assume they’ll be in happy rainbow land after they have their baby, but then they don’t feel that way and then feel guilty because of it.  Definitely also true.

Apparently I have tons of risk factors for PPD too, I was told: history of depression, long and traumatic time trying to have a baby, second child, used hormonal infertility treatments.  Wheeeeeee.

When I’d first spoken to the social worker at the hospital I told her I felt like I was doing better lately since my one breakdown, and I just wanted to see a counselor if I wasn’t feeling better in the next week.  So I got some info and she recommended a place.  I did NOT want medication, even though she sort of pushed me towards it.  Well then I started feeling worse instead of better, was putting off making an appointment, until the last several days I’ve been at the point of I NEED help NOW.  All I wanted to do was cry and run away.  I managed to call that counselor but they’re not open to take appointments this week (you know how you can never bring yourself to call when you feel ok, but when you feel crappy it’s at a time you can’t call).  So I’ll call back on Monday.  I also don’t feel like counseling really is going to help at all.  I still want to talk to someone once or twice, but mainly to figure out what meds I should go with.

I’m hesitant about meds because I was on them from age 7-18/19, both depression and ADD ones.  I have been healed from or coping with those ever since.  But short-term I think I’m ok with it.  I sort of want to try something for ADD first and see if that will help enough for me to manage without something for depression.  I’ve heard too many stories from friends about how hard it is weaning off depression meds for PPD.  But the ADD not being under control is not only not good because I can’t keep thing clean and organized and I lose my son’s school papers I’m supposed to sign and turn back in, but because when my brain feels like it’s zooming around and unable to grab onto any one task or make sense or order or a comprehensive list of what I need to do then I feel anxious and overwhelmed and inadequate.  That plus the depressed stuff I’d imagine are intertwined and making each other worse.  So if that can stop and I can feel in control of everyday tasks, that might help my mood enough to get by.

At least I can’t help but smile and feel better when M gives me one of her giant gummy crooked smiles. 🙂  She’s the smiliest baby ever, and she’s begun doing little laughs along with them too!

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