The last few years this time of year has been really hard for me. (See last year’s post) All the happiness and cheer and whatnot just made me feel worse that I didn’t feel able to share in that. It made me miss my babies that I never got to hold and feel sad that they weren’t there with me. It made me feel isolated and alone and miserable and set apart from everyone else who was happy and celebrating together.
This year I’ve been looking forward to that not being the case. Finally I have M and people will all want to see her and pay attention to her and I can feel included in regular life. And I do feel that a bit, at least enough to balance out the sad feelings. The sad feelings are still there though because of memories and I guess this time of year will always remind me. So it has been harder than I expected, I’d say. There was a point just before the 10th where I thought of Michael and cried about him. I think I posted about that and the article I read that day. I guess I’ve been having PPD issues too, so that doesn’t help either! I’ve mentioned I think a bit ago some of those disconnected feelings I was having, so more on that later perhaps. I do have my ornament that I got to help feel like my angel babies are here and included. It’s hanging on the middle of the tree. 🙂 The picture ended up a bit blurry, but it says “Always remembered, Always in our hearts,” and I wrote all the dates and initials on the back.
But I feel good for now to go celebrate with family tomorrow and Tuesday, and a little bit tonight. I think I will be able to be mostly happy and enjoy it this year, finally.