Yesterday morning we went to pick up our 6 embryos that had been frozen since February. While I was totally freaking out about that idea when we thought we’d have to do it this past May, I was ok with it now. Reasons:
- I had an epiphany recently that they might be like 4-celled embryos with the potential to be a person, but I don’t feel like they have souls because they aren’t inside me, if that makes sense. I was never sure how I felt about this issue, but I realized if I thought they were truly potential people, then any random egg or sperm would also be a potential person. Which they are too, of course. But not really. Sounds confusing, but it’s all straight in my brain. Basically since God “knits you together in your mother’s womb” then God only knits you together in your mother’s womb. In a petri dish is just science being used to help achieve it.
- We can’t afford the $100/quarterly anymore and no miraculously appearing $100 has been forthcoming.
- It takes a lot of stress away about the future. If we saved the embryos, that would mean we for sure would try for a third and do it via FET… the cost of which I have no idea, but I’m sure it’s over $1000, and that’s assuming we’ll still have an insurance that would cover meds and monitoring. And if we did plan to do that, we’d want to do it ASAP so we could stop paying the cryo fee. I haven’t asked, but I would say I’m positive that you can’t do FET while breastfeeding. So I would have to wean earlier than I want (like at 12 months) because we wouldn’t want to keep paying that fee for another 1 1/2 – 2 years. Ain’t no way.
- We’re not sure we want a third kid anymore anyway. Originally that was the plan, but after all of the pain and struggle we went through for a second, we want nothing to do with that process again anytime soon. I am also terrified of ever having another miscarriage, and to be honest pregnancy wasn’t particularly enjoyable because I was just so worried the whole time and know I always would be. I feel possibly complete now, although sometimes feel there could be another (boy, I feel like) out there for us. I do wonder if the boy in my head is one that I lost already (like the girl… because M isn’t her), but I don’t know. The current official plan is to not have another one anytime soon, and when M is 2-3 years maybe feelings will have changed and we can re-discuss then. Fortunately we have the time to wait like that. I know one thing, never again would I try without meds, but I don’t want to ever put so much into it either. Not to mention while we would’ve been fine with twins for #2 and #3, not so sure about risking having #3 and #4.
So you see, this feels right now. God’s perfect timing strikes again! 🙂 Although when she handed me the paper bag with the little test tubes in it that were still steaming from the liquid nitrogen, I felt choked up. It was harder to take that bag than I thought too. I told my husband that it’s just hard after all that money and effort and pain. But then he held up M who he was carrying in her seat and I was like… yeah, all of that was for her, not for those extra embryos. And that makes it more than worth it!