When Will it Stop?

I guess I somehow had this expectation that after my baby was born, I would feel healed (as much as I can be) from the 3 previous years.  This is definitely not the case, it turns out.  Things that hurt before still hurt.  Things are still hard and still remind me of my pain.  I know I will always love and miss my babies I’ve lost.  I know over time, like years, it will probably heal enough I won’t cry about stuff.  But I just thought that would be now, and it isn’t.

It’s like I can’t snap myself out of that place where I was, like I’m still in it even though I’m not.  I worried the whole time that I’d feel this way, that I’d feel disconnected and like Meg being here isn’t real.  I guess I don’t feel that way all the time, but enough of the time.  I feel horrible about it, like I don’t love her the way that I should.

My postpartum appointment isn’t until the 21st, but I will say something about the disconnected feeling for sure.  They can get me a counselor/social worker to talk to, and I really feel like I need it.  I wish I had someone to talk to right now… I’m home for this evening by myself, just me and M.  She’s asleep here on my lap, and I’ve been sitting here crying for the last hour and a half.  Ugh.  Actually maybe I should call them sooner to get an appointment.  I don’t know.

ETA: Then she wakes up and gives me a big smile and I feel better. ♥


4 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Aimee
    Dec 05, 2012 @ 20:47:07

    Ooooh hugs to you sweetheart. You just take it a day at a time & know you are where you are supposed to be.


    • Shan
      Dec 06, 2012 @ 10:57:56

      Thank you! I’m still feeling blah today, but have stuff I need to try to keep in mind more to help, such as that. 🙂 I guess it is all part of the process too.


  2. weavert7
    Dec 06, 2012 @ 08:56:40

    Hugs!! Im always here to talk to! I will be praying! Im sure your hormones arent helping right now either. I would defiantly call your doctors so you can get in there and start talking with some one.


    • Shan
      Dec 06, 2012 @ 10:56:52

      Thanks, I definitely think hormones, lack of sleep, and adjusting to a big change aren’t helping. And also because of all of those things my ADD is not under control at all, so I feel overwhelmed by stuff I have to do when normally I wouldn’t!


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