I guess I somehow had this expectation that after my baby was born, I would feel healed (as much as I can be) from the 3 previous years. This is definitely not the case, it turns out. Things that hurt before still hurt. Things are still hard and still remind me of my pain. I know I will always love and miss my babies I’ve lost. I know over time, like years, it will probably heal enough I won’t cry about stuff. But I just thought that would be now, and it isn’t.
It’s like I can’t snap myself out of that place where I was, like I’m still in it even though I’m not. I worried the whole time that I’d feel this way, that I’d feel disconnected and like Meg being here isn’t real. I guess I don’t feel that way all the time, but enough of the time. I feel horrible about it, like I don’t love her the way that I should.
My postpartum appointment isn’t until the 21st, but I will say something about the disconnected feeling for sure. They can get me a counselor/social worker to talk to, and I really feel like I need it. I wish I had someone to talk to right now… I’m home for this evening by myself, just me and M. She’s asleep here on my lap, and I’ve been sitting here crying for the last hour and a half. Ugh. Actually maybe I should call them sooner to get an appointment. I don’t know.
ETA: Then she wakes up and gives me a big smile and I feel better. ♥