And specifically the 15th is the Wave of Light where at 7pm you light candles for the babies you’ve lost. I’ve never actually participated in the few years since I’ve learned about this stuff, aside from just thinking about my babies more than I would on another day.
The Capture Your Grief Project I just heard about on Facebook. You take pictures of a specific thing every day for the whole month. To be honest, that’s a lot and I don’t know if I have the energy. But mostly it seems like something you’d do while in the midst of grief, something that would be healing. I don’t feel like I’m in a place where I need that anymore. I feel a little guilty about it. Which then led me to realize that furthermore, I don’t want to explore my grief, at least right now. I’m not sure if it’s more that I don’t need to or that I’m not ready to. But I feel afraid at the idea of dwelling on it and taking a few moments every day to remember that heartbreak and hopelessness. I haven’t had to feel that every single day for several months now because of M.
But I do want to do something. I do have pictures for everyone, and maybe I can find a few others of things, using the list for this project for ideas. Then make a picture composite. I think that would be something neat to have. It wouldn’t tell the story of the dark parts so much, but I really don’t want to go there at all ever again. That tunnel does not need to be revisited. In fact the other day while I was sitting here at the computer wasting time while trying to soften 3 sticks of butter, I was reading through my blog posts from the beginning on. There’s plenty of dark parts in that, it was hard to read and I was crying. I’m the sort who much prefers to concentrate on the positive things that make me feel good, so that’s what I want to do with this too. Lately I’ve been having the song “Overcome” by Jeremy Camp stuck in my head. I think that word sums up my overall feeling of right now quite well. I like that it’s not “overcame,” because I don’t feel like it’s something to ever have such a final verb tense.
So anyway, I don’t know if it’s healthy to stay away from that or not, but this is where I am right now this year, so I’m sticking to my project idea. I’ll try to have it done to post on the 15th. Ideally I’ll be able to find some sort of informational link for the general public to share publicly on the 1st too. I always feel nervous about doing that kind of thing, but I try to do it anyway. I’d like to share a blog post maybe even, but don’t feel like I’ll ever get past just speaking openly and having the link available on my Facebook profile without drawing attention to it. It’s just too personal and I’m not the sort to be all super-awareness-advocate, as much as I admire it when others are!