Two

Awhile ago I was feeling worried at the idea of having two kids since the fact that it seemed like it was finally going to happen was a sudden different reality.  (Not about handling two kids, but like the relationship aspect of it.)  I was worried that it would change my relationship with B.  I was thinking of it like–and hopefully this makes sense because these sorts of visuals are how I think–my relationship with my children is a circle around all of us.  So if I add someone else into that circle, it would change what was there with me and the first one.  But then suddenly I realized that wasn’t at all accurate.  My relationship with them isn’t a circle, it’s like a line, with two individual ones between me and each of them.  So my relationship with B will not change at all, I will just be adding a new relationship.  That made me feel tons better!

I was just thinking about this because last night I was laying there thinking about how I’m now starting to feel more of that individual love for this one, I think as a result of me the past few weeks having been able to start thinking “I’m having a baby!” instead of “I might be having a baby.”  And the joy that makes me able to feel is indescribable and brings tears to my eyes when I think about it.  I am still feeling a bit in disbelief that this is happening, and I am a little worried that won’t change and when the baby is born it will cause me to not be able to bond as well for awhile.  But that’s a whole other issue.  Anyway, my musings for the day.

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