I Think I Can Do This Without Crying

I already cried some anyway.  So I am 99% sure IVF did not work.  I feel nothing that would lead me to believe it did, and I know exactly how I should feel and when I should feel it.  There’s room for symptoms to miraculously start tomorrow, but I’m not feeling it.  I’m starting to let myself process it, and I’m completely heartbroken.  I felt this was the right thing to do, so I expected it to work.  There’s no reason it shouldn’t have worked.  Why am I so broken?  Why am I such a failure?  Okay, crying anyway.

But this is no harder than anything else I’ve been through.  I’ll survive.  I picked up all I had left to put into this, but I’ll always find more strength because God supplies it.  I’m stressed out and afraid of what comes next.  I’ll test Saturday to be 100% sure, then call the Dr. on Monday.  We’ll do an FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer) asap, and naturally (no meds) because I can’t see why I’d need them anyway, and we have no more insurance after today.  I’m really hoping that I can do it this very next month then because an unmedicated cycle for me is about 35+ days long and I don’t know how I’d get through two full cycles of that without doing anything.  I don’t know how much an FET costs.  It will be $978 for the transfer and there will surely be some sort of thawing/handling cost, plus possibly an ultrasound ($140ish) to check my lining, and most likely an appointment (not sure of cost… over $100, maybe over $200).  We thankfully owe under $1000 now on the IVF, but tacking over $1000 back on there when I know there’s no large sum of money coming in anytime soon is daunting.  Especially when currently I feel like why should an FET work?  The success rate with that is even less than with IVF.  And what if it’s God’s plan for us to just stop doing things and see what happens?  I’m afraid to admit that might be it, but I don’t want to waste those embryos.  How could that be the answer?

We’ll figure it out.  I will have the strength and power to face this.  “For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love and self discipline.” 2 Tim. 1:7

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