Anxiety, My Old Friend

Nothing much is more obnoxious than having something that’s a really big deal I’d like to start planning for but I am waiting on information before I can start.  I’m feeling pretty stressed about it!  So here’s the deal:

My husband will be laid off (yes, again) as of January 20.  He’s had three interviews with another place and things look good, and he should find out if he’s getting that job within the next few days.  If he does then we’ll need to see what the new insurance will be.  (I’m really hoping it’s comparable… I can’t imagine it will be better.)  So that’s what I’m waiting on before planning on IVF.  If he gets it, we should be able to do IVF in March-April as had been planned before (that would give me 1-2 easy, relaxing Clomid cycles after this current break one).

If he doesn’t get a new job, our current insurance coverage will last through March 20th (ish… possibly until the end of the month).  That’s cutting it a bit close, so depending on when my cycles line up we might have to do IVF like… next cycle.  And charge the deposit as well as the rest of the cost, then pay off a bigger chunk when we get our tax return.  Yikes.  But the following cycle in March still could work out, it will just depend.  If this job layoff wasn’t happening right now, of all times, this would be way less complicated.

And anxiety times two: IVF time is soon.  It’s a very big deal.  It’s the thing that’s been looming as the final step for over a year, the last thing I can try that just HAS to work.  It’s hard to comprehend being at that point, I never imagined I’d actually make it to this, but hey, there it is.  I’ve been living in the same relative situation for so long, I just can’t fathom it being over anymore, and it’s so scary to feel like I’ve reached the end (even though that isn’t at all true… I need to remind myself of that).  I think all that is really the hurdle that I’m struggling to get over right now.  Not that the financial investment isn’t daunting, but it’s secondary to the rest.  And if IVF didn’t work we could do an FET later for much less cost (assuming we have some freezer babies left… which might not happen, and if it does that will be an ongoing expense until something is done…which brings me to another big point of anxiety)

So all I can do for now is pray about it, that I will feel at peace about everything.  We’ve felt for a long time that IVF is something we should try because nothing else has worked.  It’s just so hard to think that’s what it’s going to take when I know my body can have a baby.  It’s so hard to get my head around the fact that I seem to not be able to anymore.  And so yeah, I’m just starting to mentally and emotionally prepare myself for this, planning that I won’t end up with another miracle baby in the two more opportunities in the meantime.  Because it’s so freaking unlikely–another thing that’s hard to get my head around.

P.S. While I’m here, tomorrow is 1/11, which was my EDD last year with baby #4 (Amie).  (S)he’d be turning one about now.  So Happy Birthday. ♥

Update: Wow, it never ceases to amaze me.  I opened up the Bible to Philippians and this is the first thing I read:

“Therefore, my beloved, just as you have always obeyed me, not only in my presence, but much more now in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling; for it is God who is at work in you, enabling you both to will and to work for his good pleasure…
“It is by holding fast to the word of life that I can boast on the day of Christ that I did not run in vain or labor in vain.” (Phil. 2:12-13; 16-17)

And that instantly said to me: I have to fight for this, it’s not going to be easy, I’m not going to instantly know what to do, but I have to just trust God and fight as hard as I can (i.e. take big steps like IVF) and he will be there with me and not punish me because I’m not doing the right thing.  As long as I’m doing it with him, I’m doing it right.

Ahh, now I’m just left with regular anxiety, and not “What does God want me to do?  What if I can’t figure it out or pick the wrong thing?” anxiety.  This anxiety is nothing, way easier to deal with than the latter!

Update Again: Sounds like it isn’t very likely anyone ends up with many left over embryos, let alone probably me who has bad eggs in the first place.  Phew.  And then the IVF payment in full includes cryopreservation for the first quarter already, so that’s long enough to know if it’s going to work.  Then your options aside from donating to a family (which I am not okay with) are donating to science or discarding.  Ideally I’d want them to give me the embryos in a box that I can just take home and bury and plant a pretty bush over, but I don’t think they do that.  But donating to science or discarding are options I can live making a decision about.  Man, I really feel better now!  I’m all ready to go!  Bring it on!

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