As I’ve said before, I can’t help but analyze everything in life through my infertility/miscarraige experience, and that most definitely applies to every sermon. I try to apply it to getting through this. Yesterday’s sermon was an interesting experience. I’ll just go through the outline here with my notes and thoughts I wrote down.
“Questions of Christmas: What if God Says ‘No?'”
I. Develop the Premise: What do you want and what does God want you to do?
II. Deliberate the Plan: The plan is only right when the plan is right to God. You can pray for God to inferfere in the way you desire, but you need to ask God if it’s right, if it’s a God-given idea.
III. Discern the Permission: God can and does say no. Sometimes it’s not the right time, you’re not the right person, or it’s just not right.
This is the point at which I started being like, “Great, another sermon that makes me feel depressed and question what I feel. Bqiwehjqwekjnhwjnf.” But then, aha! We got to this part:
A no to our plans may be but the prelude to God’s greater plan. When he denies our plan, he may offer a greater one. It’s not an issue of being wrong, but of willingness to live in the mystery of God’s will. I feel like that right there is the point I reached earlier this year, that I am waiting for his time, since I do feel like he will give me another child(ren). And every time what I want has been denied and I have been made to wait longer, I know that something perfect is coming. (The harder part for me is feeling content while waiting. Can I live in the mystery of his will? Yes, I think I do well at that. Can I live in gratitude? Simultaneously? That can often be difficult!)
Then to sort of drive the point home, we watched the movie The Help last night. There’s a scene miscarriage-related, and if you’ve seen it you know what I’m talking about. We had to pause the movie so I could bawl for like ten minutes (for the record, I cried at several other parts too, but they’re not related to this issue!). It made me really miss my babies, but most of all it made me think about how what there was of them just got thrown away. Especially Michael, and I haven’t thought about that since I was all groggy waking up from surgery. I felt like they’d just taken him from me before I was ready, and I didn’t know where they’d keep him or what they’d do with him after they were done with the tests.
I felt like God was holding me and hugging me while I was trying to go to sleep, and even though I still hurt, I didn’t feel that total despair I’ve felt so many times. I feel that has to do with the way God has helped me to deal with all of this. I also had this song pop into my head as I was falling asleep, and when I woke up this morning it was still going through my head:
(K, I don’t know how to imbed videos right now. So it’s this one: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j_t_87NyHx0)