Waiting

Waiting is one of the hardest parts, and it’s an ongoing theme.  First I had to wait for my body to actually be able to conceive again while I was breastfeeding (oh, how horrible I thought that wait was, if I only knew what would happen after that…), then I had to start learning to forget about the ever-increasing age gap that would be between my first and second child, and for months I struggled through beginning to accept what I couldn’t force to happen, all I could do was wait.  I wait to start my meds, I wait for my next appointment, I wait to ovulate, I wait to test, I wait for test results, I wait for the next cycle to start, I wait for my next appointment, (I wait when I get to my appointment), I wait for the next milestone, all I freaking do is wait.  I’M STILL WAITING.  And I know I’ve said it before that in this last year I have gotten much better at waiting, not that I don’t still have my moments of impatience and despair.

Fairly frequently there is something in a sermon at church that helps me continue to wait.  Today at church the entire sermon was about waiting.  At first I thought that seemed good, I should really be able to get something out of this.  But as he started talking about how we don’t like to wait but God is a model of waiting, He’s patient, long-suffering (that feels about right), and faithful, and knows what He’s doing and will bless us, I started feeling really upset.  It wasn’t reinforcing my waiting, it was like beating a dead horse.  Yep, you have to wait.  You haven’t waited long enough, you have to wait longer.  I felt so frustrated, I kind of stopped listening.

It was a weird reaction, I thought.  If our car was in decent enough shape that I could spare the drives to go back to my counselor, I’d discuss this with her.  I don’t know, maybe it was me feeling angry that I’m still waiting.  It was just the way it hit me, using the word “waiting.”  I don’t need to know that I have to wait, I know it already, I’ve already come to peace with it, I’ve learned how to cope with it.  Don’t make me think about it.  I’d rather hear about hope (today for Advent we did light the Hope Candle, right?!).  That’s much more useful, something to get me through all this waiting.

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