Christmastime is probably my favorite time of year, but while I’ve been struggling with infertility and the grief of these losses, it’s the hardest time of year. Everywhere you go there’s happiness and cheer, and there are lots of family gatherings. People cram into a room and they’re all talking and happy and all I can think about is how I should have a baby there with me to be taking care of and people would be fussing all over him/her. So of course it’s way worse when someone else there actually does have a baby who everyone is fussing over. I should get to be part of that. I feel like I’m this outside observer looking out of this shell at what’s going on, but not a part of it.
Last year I’d just lost Michael a few weeks before Christmas, and I couldn’t even go upstairs and be with my family. There was one family Christmas (or two) I didn’t even go to. The only way to survive was to isolate myself, and if you’ve ever gone through that don’t let anyone tell you you’re being rude. It’s not selfish to have to remove yourself from situations that you can’t handle without wanting to jump off a bridge. It won’t be that way forever, it’s just part of handling grief. People should understand that (and I’ve found somehow they don’t, so you have to actually explain it to them).
I can handle it better now; I’ve healed enough from then to be able to sit in a room with people. But even when I try not to concentrate my life around what I’m going through, I can’t ignore it. I view everything through this experience. Every church sermon my brain tries to apply to it, everything I try to find inspiration in to get through this, and so the holidays can’t not be about it either. I can’t help but think of the babies that aren’t here with me as well as the one(s) that isn’t here with me yet, and sometimes I know I grieve for that baby too. Right now it feels fresh again, and I think a lot of it has to do with it just being so near the anniversary of losing Michael.
Maybe it would help me to have some sort of Christmas-related tokens, like a special ornament, so maybe when I look at it I can feel like they’re here celebrating with me. I’ll have to be on the lookout.