Well, Here We Are

This was my last month for now working with my RE and having insurance, and it failed too.  It’s not 100% yet, I won’t test until tomorrow, but I know it will be negative.  I dared to have a glimmer of hope earlier this month when I had the best follicle result I’ve ever had–two for sure mature follicles.  I’ve only ever had one for sure, although a few times I’ve had 1-4 maybes.  So two eggs and still freaking nothing.

On one hand, I’m glad to be done with this.  It’s been two and a half years, over a year with my RE, and I’m just SO tired of charting, keeping track of my body, taking 3 pills a day, going to the doctor at least twice a month, monthly blood draws, a week a month of giving myself injections, (29 months, 92 needle pokes, 32 ultrasounds…), then two weeks of twice-daily progesterone suppositories, peeing on sticks, the rollercoaster of maybes and hope and defeat and heartbreak and frustration and disappointment and anger and grief and failure, and the fear of when I do get pregnant because I know how unlikely it seems to be that my baby will survive.  I feel like I’ve just been holding on to the end of a rope for most of this year, and I just want to let go.

On the other hand, I’m so afraid to let go.  I feel ready to just give up all of this and just “not try” and see what happens, but I know that will make it even more likely I’ll miscarry again.  Not to mention I’ll be back to ovulating day 25ish of my cycle, making it take twice as much time as when I’m on injections.  It was a comfort before to know that I only had two weeks into a cycle to be on the downhill side, not 3-4 weeks, but that will be gone.  But it’s not like the injections helped anyway.  I had two, maybe three miscarriages while on them, although they were all different circumstances from the three I had before, but what’s the difference.  My son was conceived naturally, so I know there is a glimmer of hope it can happen again.

My RE wants me to do IVF now.  Actually last month.  But we don’t have the money and now we don’t have the insurance to cover a good chunk of the cost anyway.  I feel so ready for IVF, which is weird to say after how I felt when he first brought it up in March.  But with IVF only babies that are growing would be transferred, and that gives me a really good chance.  So we’re officially “doing IVF,” but we have no idea when that will be.  We need $950 up front, and the other $4000 (or rather more like $7000 with no insurance) could be charged and payments could be made.  So yeah, don’t exactly have that lying around.

(btw, yes, I’ve looked into domestic newborn adoption, although we’d try IVF first, but adoption costs way more than IVF and is a totally new path of emotions and issues.)

So for now, I have no idea what we’re doing, and I don’t care.  And I don’t see this as giving up at all, it’s just “taking a break.”  I feel like maybe taking a month off, and then I have some Clomid my RE gave me that I could use.  Or maybe I’ll use it next month.  I don’t know.  I’ll talk to my nurse, maybe there’s something they would have me do since I do still have like two more weeks of insurance.  And who knows, maybe by some miracle my husband will still get a job for this year even though school starts in two weeks.


1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. crystal theresa
    Aug 21, 2011 @ 18:44:28

    ((hugs)) my friend, just big, big ((hugs)). i hope that your cycles don’t go back to late ovulation. i hope that the treatment has somehow told your body how it’s “supposed” to work. i hope that this break brings you more clarity and maybe even some peace with whatever may lie ahead. i will still hope, even if you feel things are negative. i’ll carry that hope for you, because i know how hard it is to carry that hope on your own.


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