Nothing Left?

About a month ago, I felt like giving up for the first time.  I felt like I had run out of hope.  Somehow I’ve been able to keep going since then, even through a whole lot of added stress lately because my husband (a teacher) was laid off.  That has put a lot of pressure on everything, and some major decisions have to be made in preparation for not having as much income and no insurance for fertility treatments.  That is probably contributing to how I feel like after everything, things are starting to wind down.  We’re running out of options for now.  This doesn’t mean I’m giving up for good, but for now there might not be much more we can do.

I met with my RE yesterday and he was very supportive.  I have one more month left to do injections, then our insurance will run out and my husband and I will have to decide if we’re going to keep trying or not (if he doesn’t get another job).  It’s rough.  I have my heart leading me in this, and I can’t fathom quitting, but there are a lot of things to consider.  For now we have also decided not to pursue IVF because whatever money we might be able to come by for it needs to be used elsewhere.  So that doesn’t leave us with very far to go.  My RE got me some extra meds just in case I need them later, so I’m as prepared as I can be either way.

Several of my friends and a family member are now having new babies.  People who have a child my son’s age or younger, another younger child, and now they’re having another.  I can’t take it.  I’m having to avoid situations and people again, and just a few months ago I thought I was doing better and over this.  I don’t feel emotionally stable at all, and I feel like I’m just gliding along, trying to stay oblivious and not care anymore.  It makes it easier if I don’t care.

I know I’m not out yet for this month.  Still have a few days.  But I’m not feeling positive right now.  It’s too hard and painful to keep staying positive when all I’ve been getting is disappointment and my heart broken over and over again.  And I know I need to stay positive about the job hunt, too… but it’s rough out there for teachers, especially in our state.  At least I have some distractions in the next few days before I’ll be testing.  I hate this part of the month.

(Phew, just getting all of that out has made me feel better and a little more positive!)


4 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. crystal theresa
    Jul 21, 2011 @ 20:54:46

    ((hugs)). i am feeling similar. it’s that time that mommies who’ve had their earth babies are getting pregnant with their second rainbows. i feel like the to-keep baby train has left me behind, and not only that, it’s lapped me. i hope you can hold onto hope. it’s hard. it’s exhausting. so maybe i do it for you for a bit. i don’t mind.


    • Shan
      Jul 21, 2011 @ 21:12:14

      Thanks, Crystal. It’s good to know others go through the same thing. It sucksssssss. We can be help for each other. 🙂 I hope you also will be able to keep holding on to hope.


  2. Sarah R.
    Jul 29, 2011 @ 14:16:22

    ((((HUGS))) Shannon. Totally understandable how you’re feeling. I’ve been there (took us 8 years between Kait & Melia w/ a loss). Please know you are in my prayers and thoughts constantly, and I’ll be here for you no matter what. (Sarah R)


    • Shan
      Jul 29, 2011 @ 16:29:40

      Wow, I never knew you were trying that whole time between Kaitlyn and Melia. That must’ve been such a terrible time for you. Thank you for your support, it means a lot and helps me to keep going! 🙂


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