The Difference between Knowing and Not Knowing

At the very end of May I had a chemical pregnancy, which isn’t what it sounds like.  It’s when you miscarry within a few hours or days of implantation, due to a chromosomal abnormality, low progesterone, or too thin of a uterine lining.  I knew that I was pregnant when I had perfect pregnancy symptoms starting eight days after ovulation.  They lasted through nine days, and then started dying off.  I tested early and got a positive, and so I went in for bloodwork early and that’s when I found out things weren’t going well.  It was over so quickly that it was hard to process, but I had physical proof that there had been a little life in there.

This past month I had the same thing seem to happen.  I started getting pregnancy symptoms eight days after ovulating, and I know what it feels like when I’m pregnant.  I felt content and positive, but was scared after what had happened the month before and so I didn’t want to test early.  So I waited, and after another day the symptoms started going away again and didn’t come back.  I didn’t feel pregnant anymore, and I was worried I’d just had another chemical pregnancy.  I tested later and it was negative, and so I quit my progesterone supplements and my period came on time the next day.  But it wasn’t normal, and was just like it had been the month before.  I am very suspicious that I had another chemical pregnancy, but this time I have no proof of it.

I talked to my nurse about this and she offered to send me for bloodwork to see if there was any hcg left, but I didn’t want to.  As hard as the idea is that a baby and flicker of hope could’ve come and gone without me having that physical proof to know for sure, it’s somehow easier on me to not know.  The only choice I have is to keep moving on and look forward because there’s no way I can ever know what really happened last month.  So I am on to a new cycle (and trying a new medication) and focusing on that.  But it’s hard to have this little flicker in my heart for that baby that I feel was there briefly last month while my mind can’t accept it for sure without that physical proof… so I’m not sure what to really believe.  I always go with my heart, but this is a strange feeling to have.


1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. crystal theresa
    Jul 12, 2011 @ 01:54:42

    i wonder sometimes if i would have noticed my early losses if i hadn’t tested… but you’re right, the symptoms are so distinct. i suspect a couple chemical pregnancies during my year+ between Rainbow and Gaelen, but am in the same place of not being sure without the proof.


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