“I Don’t Know How to Make Peace with My Infertility”

This was an article I came across today that resonated so much with me.  It is something I have continued to struggle with and do every single day.


This really highlights how it feels:

The agony of infertility runs so deep that I feel irrevocably changed by the experience — so much so that having a baby now almost feels beside the point. How will I ever heal? How will we ever be OK with the hows and whys and buts of it all? My heart feels mashed inside my chest. Could a baby really put it back together again?

And I have learned from experience that the answer is no.  Having M brought me a lot of joy, but it was a separate joy.  It wasn’t one that automatically erased all that had happened because it had been “resolved.”

It can never be resolved.  The pain leaves a profound impact on you, and there is no cure.  I can’t just have a baby no matter how much I want one, no matter how hard I try.

I haven’t entirely put this out there yet, in so many words, but we have been hoping to have another baby.  I’ve had two more miscarriages since this began, including one where I was maxed out on Clomid.  I’m on Femara right now, which I’ve never tried before but it’s expensive and possibly the last option.  Doing IVF again isn’t an option (unless maybe it were magically free).

And so here I am feeling crazy for trying, for hoping maybe this time everything will work out, but it’s not going well.  Sometimes I wonder why I should expect a different result?  I don’t know how I can ever come to terms with it.  It’s the most maddening, heartbreaking position to be in, and I know that it’s very likely at some point soon I’ll have to try to accept giving up and moving on.



I wanted to believe that you’d be able to stay
I was so afraid you wouldn’t, just like the others
I prayed for you, I loved you, and I hoped
I told myself it was ok and I waited
I nestled you into my heart, where you will always be
I wonder how I can let myself keep hoping
Even after you flew off to be with the rest
I saw snowbirds today
Beautiful gray and peaceful
I know you’re safe there with them
You all have each other

Now I Can Walk

ps 138 7

Five years ago today I was just beginning to see my RE.  I found hope in that.  I had been drug through over a year of disappointment and heartbreak.  I had been learning how to walk in such darkness, how to hold God’s hand and let him support me as I walked.

I had two more years of walking through that dark valley.  There were a lot of painful stumbles.  Finally I made it out to the other side when M was born.  She brings so much joy to our lives, and not a day goes by I don’t know that and remember.

She is almost 3 now, and I had several years of healing from that walk and never wanting to try it again.  Then somehow our minds changed, even before losing Flicker a few months ago.  I am three months into starting this walk again, not knowing how long I’ll be on it nor how many wounds I’ll suffer on the way.

There are days it is still hard.  I see cavalier comments, triggering announcements and pictures, and I hate being back here.  I hate that it has to be so hard for me.  I feel isolated again.

But now I have learned how to walk this path.  It is familiar to me.  I hold God’s hand and walk more confidently.  I know that I can walk through it and where the stumbles are.  I know that while I’m surrounded by these troubles again, by the familiar pain of waiting for a baby I’m already supposed to be having, that my life is safe.

Another Angel

I got to spend one long, crazy, nice day with now another little angel baby.  He was certainly a surprise, but very much wanted, but today is already gone.  I’m sad and disappointed, but under the circumstances am glad it happened sooner than later.  I only had the one day to get my hopes up, rather than weeks or months.  But there was a lot of thinking, dreaming, and love for that one night and day.

Here are some of the scriptures, images, etc. that I came across or that came into my head in the last two days that will forever be associated with Flicker.


“Trust the Lord and His mighty power.
Remember his miracles and all his wonders
and his fair decisions.”
Psalm 105:4-5

“The Lord is righteous in everything He does;
He is filled with kindness.
The Lord is close to all who call on Him,
Yes, to all who call on Him sincerely.”
Psalm 145:17-18

“Greater things are yet to come
And greater things are still to be done.”

It Doesn’t Go Away

Read this article just now.  Great article, spot on.


It puts into words so much that I’ve felt.  Just recently in fact I was sitting with two other moms of kids on my son’s baseball team who were talking about her surprise baby and ease-of-conception-issues that went on from there.  I wanted to cry and throw up having to sit there listening to it.  I don’t feel like the other moms when stuff like that happens.  I feel like an outsider.

I’m 2 1/2 years past our “resolution,” and I have learned that the effects of infertility are profound and stay with you always.  It’s still something I have to deal with: all of those feelings are still there and are the first to surface, even if they don’t hit me quite as hard.

In fact, lately I’ve been reminded just how much it is still part of my life when faced with the desire to want to have another baby.  It is an incredibly complicated and scary issue.  It brings back all of the risk of heartbreak; it is still something I would have to face if we did make that decision.  I have to factor my willingness to risk going through all of that into a decision, and I’m back to feeling angry about how unfair it all is.

Unexpected Days

It’s funny how one day with one small trigger (or maybe sometimes none at all) you can unexpectedly spend the day thinking about one of your babies.  I have that Timehop app. on my phone and this morning it showed 4 years ago today a picture upload including my angel box for Michael.  It really struck me, seeing that picture and that it was 4 years ago.  It doesn’t seem nearly that long ago.  The memories are still vivid and painful enough I can’t even bring myself to look at the things inside of his box today.

It’s funny, too, because it was just a day or two ago I remember some reference to a bar of antibacterial soap and it immediately brought up the morning of my D&C, how I had to be up at 4am or whatever scrubbing myself with anti-bacterial soap I’d had to specifically buy because those were the pre-op instructions.

I have all kinds of little snippet memories like that surrounding the time of his loss.  (I actually listed them all here but them it felt too personal for now.)  I’ve spent most of today having most of those memories come back to me and then getting tears.  I know he’s in heaven waiting for us, with the rest of them, and I can tell God to give him a hug for me.  And now I am able to have these memories come and then tuck them back away and go about my day.

It’s just funny how there is no real reason for today to be a day to think about this.  I guess remembering days don’t just neatly keep themselves only to loss/due dates.

Hee go, Beh

Bear with me as I’m attempting to update some things here.

In the meantime I wanted to write a little about the relationship thus far between my two rainbows.  So then the title will make sense, I promise.

As months went by when we were trying to have a second kid, I went so long grieving that I wasn’t going to have them about 2 years apart like I’d wanted.  I did eventually come to see all of the positives of them being further apart, and by the time M was finally on her way I was even thinking I preferred the 4 1/2 year gap.  I still think it’s great, and God does stuff like that.

When M was a small baby, B was 4 1/2 and so fascinated with her.  He’s always thought of her as his baby, I guess.  He’s 6 1/2 now and she’s 2 1/2 and oh my gosh, there are days where all he does is bug her and all she does is cry and whine to me about it.  But there are times too where they are soooo sweet, and I definitely notice when those moments stand out.

Most of the time when they play it’s roughhousing, which ugh, because M copies everything B does.  But sometimes it’s nice and they’ll play pretend or more often build with duplos or play with trains.  When they play trains, usually it’s B telling M which trains to bring him and she happily goes and gets the one he asks for and hands it to him saying, “Hee go, Beh!”

She loves to help and bring him stuff.  If I get him a drink or a snack or even a meal, she wants to carry it to him.  She’ll even get upset sometimes if I don’t let her.  She says “I wan put Beh,” that’s what she calls it.  This morning she waited at the gate by the kitchen for me to hand her her own bowl of pretzels and cheese and B’s bowl of pretzels and cheese so she could take it to him, and I hear her out in the living room happily saying, “Hee go, Beh!”

Then she gets up next to him in the chair and they watch cartoons on the computer together.  AWWW.

(I also like this much because they’re actually quiet and still.)

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