The stories you hear that stick with you and make you think, “Well, good for them,” are the ones where someone magically conceives naturally right before IUI or IVF, or after years and tons of treatments that were successful or not, magically conceives naturally. Those stories that perpetuate the very incorrect and frustrating cliché of “if you’d just relax, then it will happen.” And you can just think, “Yes, good for them, but that will never happen to me.”
I guess it just hadn’t happened to me yet.
I think last I checked in I was trying out Femara. So in December it didn’t do a darn thing for me like it had the cycle before, following the last miscarriage. I also posted about how I’d been feeling God telling me to WAIT. I realized that I was trying as hard as I could and nothing good was happening and so yes, God, I will listen and STOP and WAIT.
In January I began to come to peace with having my two miracles and no longer pursuing a third child, and I even decided to maybe call it off completely and start preventing forever beginning the next cycle. I was ok with all of that, and so I did nothing just like I felt God had been telling me to do for months, and I waited.
Then my cycle wasn’t ending and I was like what the heck, man, and I waited and waited and started feeling some hormonal symptoms and on a whim decided to take a pregnancy test just to rule it out.
You may be able to guess by now that it was positive, and not a faint positive like I get early on, it was POSITIVE. What. the actual. heck. Complete shock and I had no idea when I had ovulated. Based on the darkness of my test I guessed I was about 4-4.5 weeks.
Typically at this point I’d be calling for bloodwork and scheduling an early ultrasound and taking the progesterone that I’d paid hundreds of dollars for to try and help the last baby, but I still felt God telling me to do nothing and so I did nothing.
I was already past the “chemical pregnancy” danger of the last two pregnancies, so that was at least a better sign. And then at 5 weeks my symptoms completely disappeared and I was CONVINCED I was having another blighted ovum because why would I not? I went a week feeling nothing, then some cramping, and was completely physically and emotionally prepared for the miscarriage to start and I knew I’d be ok with that outcome.
But it didn’t start, so I took another test to at least see if my hcg was going down and the test was basically as dark as a test can actually be. I was really anxious and confused now, so I finally called to schedule an appointment with the CNM. It would still be another week before they’d get me in for an ultrasound, so I made them do an hcg quant in attempts to quell my anxiety.
And then BAM the symptoms came back in full force. I couldn’t eat and couldn’t even keep water down and spent one night up half the time puking harder than I ever have before and within 2 days I was back at the CNM getting a prescription for Phenergan (anti-nausea/vomiting) and IV fluids because I was dehydrated. I also learned my hcg a few days ago had been 45,000. I was like… so this baby is actually growing normally? I couldn’t comprehend it, and I felt guilty because I’d actually been ok with not having another baby… but then one seemed to have miraculously appeared anyway.
A week later I had an ultrasound and we saw a baby measuring 7 weeks 5 days with a heartbeat of 163 bpm. I spent the next several weeks too sick to be very anxious about it. I’m feeling more like a human now, though my much needed Zantac is not working as well as it was.
I am 13 weeks and 5 days today, and earlier this week I saw the midwife again and she immediately got a heartbeat of 158 bpm with the doppler. A baby is definitely growing in there, and sometimes I can feel wiggles. I’m very slowly starting to come out of denial that we’re somehow having another baby, and I did nothing but give up and listen to God.
So now am I one of those people?
I don’t feel like this just happened to me because I relaxed and stopped trying. I still had to go through difficulty on the journey to ultimately be where I am right now. I suppose that’s how those people feel too?
Miracle Baby #3 coming in late October. “Big” ultrasound is scheduled for in about 6.5 weeks!