Unexpected Days

It’s funny how one day with one small trigger (or maybe sometimes none at all) you can unexpectedly spend the day thinking about one of your babies.  I have that Timehop app. on my phone and this morning it showed 4 years ago today a picture upload including my angel box for Michael.  It really struck me, seeing that picture and that it was 4 years ago.  It doesn’t seem nearly that long ago.  The memories are still vivid and painful enough I can’t even bring myself to look at the things inside of his box today.

It’s funny, too, because it was just a day or two ago I remember some reference to a bar of antibacterial soap and it immediately brought up the morning of my D&C, how I had to be up at 4am or whatever scrubbing myself with anti-bacterial soap I’d had to specifically buy because those were the pre-op instructions.

I have all kinds of little snippet memories like that surrounding the time of his loss.  (I actually listed them all here but them it felt too personal for now.)  I’ve spent most of today having most of those memories come back to me and then getting tears.  I know he’s in heaven waiting for us, with the rest of them, and I can tell God to give him a hug for me.  And now I am able to have these memories come and then tuck them back away and go about my day.

It’s just funny how there is no real reason for today to be a day to think about this.  I guess remembering days don’t just neatly keep themselves only to loss/due dates.

Hee go, Beh

Bear with me as I’m attempting to update some things here.

In the meantime I wanted to write a little about the relationship thus far between my two rainbows.  So then the title will make sense, I promise.

As months went by when we were trying to have a second kid, I went so long grieving that I wasn’t going to have them about 2 years apart like I’d wanted.  I did eventually come to see all of the positives of them being further apart, and by the time M was finally on her way I was even thinking I preferred the 4 1/2 year gap.  I still think it’s great, and God does stuff like that.

When M was a small baby, B was 4 1/2 and so fascinated with her.  He’s always thought of her as his baby, I guess.  He’s 6 1/2 now and she’s 2 1/2 and oh my gosh, there are days where all he does is bug her and all she does is cry and whine to me about it.  But there are times too where they are soooo sweet, and I definitely notice when those moments stand out.

Most of the time when they play it’s roughhousing, which ugh, because M copies everything B does.  But sometimes it’s nice and they’ll play pretend or more often build with duplos or play with trains.  When they play trains, usually it’s B telling M which trains to bring him and she happily goes and gets the one he asks for and hands it to him saying, “Hee go, Beh!”

She loves to help and bring him stuff.  If I get him a drink or a snack or even a meal, she wants to carry it to him.  She’ll even get upset sometimes if I don’t let her.  She says “I wan put Beh,” that’s what she calls it.  This morning she waited at the gate by the kitchen for me to hand her her own bowl of pretzels and cheese and B’s bowl of pretzels and cheese so she could take it to him, and I hear her out in the living room happily saying, “Hee go, Beh!”

Then she gets up next to him in the chair and they watch cartoons on the computer together.  AWWW.

(I also like this much because they’re actually quiet and still.)

Good and Bad Anxiety

I think people generally think of anxiety as a feeling towards negative things. You usually experience it when there’s something bad you’re worrying about. In the case of people who have an anxiety disorder–anxiety often enough and to the extent that it causes issues–this is also the most frequent way it presents itself. But the word anxious also refers to that feeling of “earnest desire; eagerness,” and I somehow just realized the other day that when you have problems with anxiety it really does go both ways.

I’ve always had this and I think it happens more than I realize, I just don’t group it together with the bad anxiety because my body’s responses are different. When I am having bad anxiety–the kind that leads to an anxiety attack–it causes that choking can’t breathe feeling, like my heart is being squeezed, vomiting, and stomach cramps. When it’s because of a good thing, something I’m eager about, it causes a stomach ache, a rushing head feeling, and a fluttery feeling, like my heart is racing so fast it’s going to jump out of my throat.

In both cases I think the main issue is the obsessive thoughts; it’s the only constant. Whatever is causing the anxiety will not get out of my head. It is HARD to distract myself and break anxiety. If it’s into attack mode, I just really have to let it run its course (unless it’s a social anxiety attack, which is yet another thing, but I digress). It really, in all cases, just takes some time and effort to redirect my thinking and, especially in the case of “good anxiety,” let things settle.

P.S. You know what, I’m tired of the great lack of resources for parents who are the ones struggling with various mental functioning difference disordery type issues.  It currently seems like a good idea for me to try and steer things that direction and blog here about my experiences and maybe make sense of it.  Who knows if that will ever happen.  I’m always having sudden interests or ideas that 2 days later I’m like meh.  We shall see.

Meal Share Monday

There are a few dinners I have come across and make regularly–some I have been for awhile, some are more new recipes to me–that are just SO GOOD I feel like I need to share them (not that posting them here is really sharing at this point, ha).

So my first share is definitely one of the best things ever.

Macaroni and Cheese with Barbecued Tofu

So I first came across the recipe as this: http://ohmyveggies.com/smoked-cheddar-mac-cheese-with-baked-bbq-tofu/

But here is how I make it:

  • Make BBQ sauce (here’s the recipe I use, plus I add a spoonful of blackstrap molasses): http://fabtasticeats.com/2012/04/12/the-best-homemade-bbq-sauce-ever/
  • Meanwhile, press your tofu
  • Cook 1 lb. of macaroni
  • Mix tofu with 1/2 c. bbq sauce, stick in oven at 400 for 10 minutes.  Then stir it.  Then leave it in another 10 minutes.
  • Make cheese sauce: make a roux with 1/4 c. butter and flour, then add 2 c. milk and some salt, pepper, and garlic powder.  Heat until thickened, then add however much cheddar shredding 1/2 lb.(+) makes.
  • Mix macaroni and cheese together, then mix another 1/2 c. bbq with the baked tofu, then put some on top of your bowl of macaroni.


TWO Years Old!

I’m a week late, but on the 12th M turned 2.  What up with that?  I guess I haven’t written about it because I really am not in the mood for thinking and writing lately.  Too stressed out all the time!

So here is a bit about 2-year-old M:

  • She’s quite the talker.  She somehow knows the word for almost everything and speaks in complete sentences regularly.  She also pronounced a lot of things pretty much as cutely as possible.
  • Her favorite toys are dolls and toy food.  She has always loved to pretend she was cooking or having a tea party and she will spend most of her playing time doing this.  Her dolls (her stuffed Ernie and her “toddler Elsa” doll) she must have with her to go to sleep, and I made her a doll-sized mei tai that she likes to wear them in. :)
  • She loves to color!  She could color all day.  In fact, she used to try and she colored on EVERYTHING.  There is crayon on like all of the walls that I haven’t tried to get off yet, meh, but when she colored on the TV screen she was cut off from crayons until further notice.  But whenever B is doing his homework, she sits at the table with him and colors.
  • She loves her brother!  She copies everything he does, loves to sit next to him in the chair and watch videos or games, and loves to play with him–except when he starts grabbing onto her and not letting go of her, in which case she will scream bloody murder.
  • She’s pretty dramatic.  She cries way harder than seems necessary, makes the best grumpy face, and when I tell her she can’t do something she wants to do she starts yelling things she wants. “I want Daddy! I want a banana!  I want to watch Shaun the Sheep!”
  • She loves Shaun the Sheep, Elmo, Thomas, Frozen, Peg + Cat.  She loves to sing and for the last few days always wants me to play a specific aria sung by Joyce DiDonato (one of my favorite opera singers). (OMG I tweeted about that the other day and Joyce DiDonato actually responded to it BEST DAY EVER).
  • She’s a little turkey.  She gets into stuff she’s not supposed to, then when you go to stop her she’ll run to the other side of the room to get into something over there.  She plans it, I know it.
  • Her favorite foods are macaroni and cheese and broccoli.  She eats lots of other stuff, but those she will eat tons of.  She doesn’t eat tons of anything else, it really seems like she hardly eats anything and instead still plays with her food and makes a giant mess.  Ugh.
  • She won’t sleep well if she’s not touching me still, nor is a big fan of being out of my sight.  She’s still pretty clingy… has to stop sometime, right?!
  • She loves snow.  Unfortunately she also loves to take her socks, boots, hat, and mittens off.
  • She loves to brush her teeth!  She’s always trying to sneak into the bathroom to do it on her own.
  • She is such a goofy kid!  She has such a bright, joyous smile, and purposely does things to be silly and funny.  It brightens your day!

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Remembering Eleanor


I knew today was August 1st, but I didn’t even remember the significance of this date until I was reminded by a shared article on Facebook of a somewhat artsy description of going through miscarriage.  The author described her vision of her baby she had so early on, who she knew was a girl named Eleanor.

I have an Eleanor.  She also was going to have curls and big brown eyes.  I could picture her as a toddler so clearly in my head, laughing and playing in the grass.  She was my first baby, and I miscarried her on August 1st, 7 years ago.

I feel guilty that I didn’t remember until this evening.  I know in part it’s because I’m in such a better place now, since M, and prefer not to dwell on the grief I had to live with for too long.  I also have so many dates to remember.  But I am thankful for having seen that article so that I was reminded to spend some time remembering my Eleanor.  I am the only one who can remember her.



So I’ve never been a girly girl, and when I was a kid up into college even I actively disliked girly things just because. I used to worry about ever having a girly daughter because I didn’t think I could get into that. I surprised myself by actually liking to get pink and purple baby things for M, and M being girly (as much a 1 year old can be, which turns out to be a surprising amount) is actually being fun for me! It’s funny, really, that M is making me get into girly things.

Like, not super frilly, I still don’t like that. She’s never had any headbands with flowers anywhere near the size of her head. But I will put a random tutu on her, she now has a Disney Princess potty seat, and it’s very hard to not buy her ALL the pretty clothes.

No really, my hobby lately is Matilda Jane. Which is expensive. Especially if you pine for something that is sold out. There’s this one outfit that’s like the cutest thing ever, but the dress is sold out in M’s size and the leggings are sold out completely. I can find them on ebay occasionally, or on a BST (buy/sell/trade) group, but they’re each like $55+. NOPE. I wish I could throw that kind of cash around…

So I feel silly now, all fawning over articles of boutique clothing. I mean, it’s clothes. But they’re just soooo pretty and soooo cute. Totally addicted now, le sigh. So far all I have for M is an older dress I got during a clearance sale for $15, and an older outfit (skirt + shirt) that I got on sale at a secondhand store and then from a seller in a FB group. I have started a fund for any spare money or money from making an art sale as my MJ fund. Hahaha! I’m currently trying to find some ruffle pants for me for less than retail… I don’t want to spend retail price if I don’t have to!

Aaaaand I’m totally going to have a Girly Party for my birthday, I have decided. As in, add birthday money to my MJ Fund and have a Trunk Show. It makes me laugh because it so doesn’t sound like me! But it’s all novel, so it’s still fun.  I’m disappointed I have to wait all the way until October! :)



ETA: Ohhhh man I found a new MJ outfit for M that I am majorly swooning over! And all the pieces are still in stock in her size!  It’s 3 pieces though–leggings, long-sleeved shirt, knot top.  I’d try to aquire them in that order. ;)

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